Tickets Please - a poem about how train companies fuck you

Tickets please, tickets please
Get your tickets ready for inspection
Ladies and gentlemen
Take your feet off the second-class seats
Thank you sir, thanks, cheers
You fucking rat cunt scum motherfuckers
Get on, get off, and shut your fucking mouth
Pay up; pay more, what’s the matter, got no choice?
Can’t afford it? Bollocks. No train, no work
Give me your fucking money and shut the fuck up
Thank you thanks, cheers.

We apologise for the delay to this service
The train driver hasn’t showed; we’ll wait
Till he gets here, and while we wait
Read The Metro like good little people
Piss on the floor and seats
Close the windows
Use up the oxygen
Stare at the fucking station
At the drunken bums and thugs
Thank you thanks, cheers.

This is the 07:07 service to Reading
Calling at place a, place b, place c and Arsehole.
Smoke in the toilet, shit on the floor
Put your fucking litter in the bins provided
In the vestibule
No cycles, just prams and punks
Fat paedophiles, junkies, perverts and cunts only
And get your fucking tickets ready
For inspection, ladies and gentlemen
Thank you thanks, cheers.

Take care when alighting from this service
Please ensure you take all belongings with you
In case we think you’re a Muslim
And blow your head off
With safety bullets
Ladies and gentlemen
We welcome beards and backpack owners
Onboard this service, as long as
You know the risk
Thank you thanks, cheers.

We request all passengers be courteous
And polite to our staff, when using this service
Because they don’t have any power
But they can fuck up your day, if they want
You’re all the same rat fucks anyway
That’s why you’re all here
In this sardine pressure coffin
On your way to the office
Ladies and gentlemen
Thank you thanks, cheers.

Is there anybody requiring tickets?
Good morning sir, I’m afraid
My ticket machine has died
You’ll have to queue at the barriers
And pay there.
Don’t worry, sir
It will only take an hour, or two
You can buy a croissant at the coffee bar
For five quid, you fat cunt
Thank you thanks, cheers.

We will be arriving shortly
Reading is our final destination
Where this service will terminate
And you can fuck off
Back to your shitty jobs, you rat cunt fucks
Now get off our fucking train
But we’ll be seeing you all again
This evening, when you go home
We hope you enjoyed the journey
Ladies and gentlemen.
Thank you thanks, cheers.